Thursday, January 16, 2014

Nerd Rant #1 - Not the Catwoman we need, but the Catwoman we deserve...

I feel the need to show my nerd side today.  I am a closeted Batman nerd and have been since 1992, when Batman Returns showed in theaters. Batman is my Star Wars, Danny Elfman is my John Williams, Tim Burton my George Lucas.

I was too young to watch any of the original trilogy of Star Wars in the theaters.  I came of age when the second Batman film was showing and later when Batman: The Animated Series became my Bible, my jam, my life as a 12 year old.

So I have a near-all-encompassing lexicon of the Batman movies which has bleed into the comics, and cartoons.  I have yet to tackle all the video games but own and have played Arkham Asylum, Arkham City and Arkham Origins.

I pick apart any comic book movie like a Southern Belle mama does her beauty pageant offspring.  I get a nerd boner that lasts long and stays hard.  BUT I usually hide it.

I don’t wear Batman t-shirts but I have pretty sweet Batman watch that my 10 year old twin sisters gave me for Christmas this year.  I don’t have Batman plastered all over my walls but I have almost every DVD box set made.
My sweet effin' watch.
So now I want to bring up the latest Batman movie, 2012’s “The Dark Knight Rises”.  Don’t tell me you haven’t watched it, ‘cause you probably did, with your boyfriend, because it’s actually cool and hip and all to openly love Batman, now.

Ok…ahem…HERE BE SPOILERS………………...............................................................................

The beautiful and talented Anne Hathaway plays Catwoman. Looking at these pictures you can see why everyone got so excited about news of her casting.

All right we get it! She's hottt...with a triple "t".
She looks sexy AND dangerous.  HELLS YES! A playful adversary to Christian Bale’s uptight and super-serious Batman.  I was ready to see Selina Kyle strut around in a biker jacket, her neckline tastefully low, her long dark hair teased out like a lion’s mane.  Curls framing her face and brushing lightly against Batman.  A sassy attitude and a way with a whip.

BUT that’s not the CATWOMAN we got.

Instead, Nolan trots her out like some cold, pristine social climber.  She wears pearls and tailored dresses.  Her hair is stick straight like a soccer mom’s, or a teenage equestrian.   The costume looks like Lee Merriweather’s suit from the 60’s Batman TV show, which is not bad, just a little underwhelming.   Her heels are ridiculous and her mask doesn't hide a thing.

A HAT and GLOVES?!?  Is she the Queen of England?
Classy molassy...just not sassy molassy.
Since when is long hair good for fighting?
Meow!  She be pimpin' wit' dat medallion.
She doesn't serve as a true foil to Batman.  True she’s got some good one liners but she just comes off as a Batman clone.  I can understand why they wanted to class up her image a bit, to make her worthy of Bruce Wayne’s long term mate. I assume they get married or whatever.  Raise 2.5 children in the Swiss Alps or Italy.  But in doing so, Nolan and Co have delivered a lifeless, underwhelming version of Catwoman.

They've stripped her of her verve, her spark, her uniqueness.  I wanted a crazy, sexy cool Catwoman. The wild card to play off Batman’s straight man routine.  Blazes of chemistry that nearly set fire to the screen.  Like Michelle Pfeiffer and Michael Keaton, or hell even the charming, cerebral flirtations between Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. 

Alas, that not what we got.  I guess after the electrifying and ultimately heart breaking Heath Ledger performance we got too greedy and wound up with a Catwoman we derserved.  Not the one we wanted.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Questions?  Let me know!

Peace out, my nerdy ninjas,


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